Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
one might say we're banned from that church
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I love you. Go after that dick
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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