She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
