his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
