bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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