I must be too annoying 4 u.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
