HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
that's an acceptable place to lick
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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