new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
