overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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