if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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