Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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