Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We left the knife in your bed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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