He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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