glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize