I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
