with your own penis?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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