I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
