her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
