his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
