You can't special order awesome
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
