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i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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