I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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