Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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