if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
