I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
