gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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