I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
