make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
