Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
