that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
