My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
