You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
