Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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