he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
