...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
even my farts smell like vagina
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
