Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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