I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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