Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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