Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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