im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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