I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
