your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
