Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
