the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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