but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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