You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
