my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
