It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
