The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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