I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i came on her dog
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
