cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
