Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
