its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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