i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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