I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
