a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
