The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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