I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Enjoy the penises
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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