I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
